When a parent refuses help, it can be hard to tell whether they’re protecting their independence or struggling with a cognitive or physical change that needs medical attention. Start by checking for urgent health or safety concerns, then focus on the specific help your parent may need and how to discuss it with them respectfully. These tips can help you plan your next conversation, involve trusted support, and learn the next steps to address your parent’s changing needs.
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If your loved one suddenly becomes unusually confused or behaves very differently than usual, there may be an underlying health issue that requires their doctor’s attention. Other changes that should be checked include:
If your loved one is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 or local emergency services. If you observe a new or concerning change in your loved one’s behavior that isn’t an emergency, contact your loved one’s doctor promptly.
Try to identify the cause behind your parent’s refusal of help. It may be based on a fear of aging or losing independence, privacy or cost concerns, grief, or uncertainty about what help would involve. Dementia or mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression, can also contribute to a sudden refusal of help.
But even if you don’t fully understand the cause of the behavior, plan to have a respectful conversation with your parent about it.
“Talk to them when they are still thriving and in control,” says Amy McLoughlin, a learning and development specialist at A Place for Mom with more than 17 years of experience in senior living. Discussing important needs while your parent is still autonomous allows you to bring up hypothetical situations with less stress.
Mention scenarios where your parent may not be able to make their own decisions and talk through their wishes in the event of a stroke or dementia diagnosis, for example. If they were to become incapacitated, who would they want in charge? If they appoint someone they trust as their agent under a power of attorney (POA) in advance, they can avoid potentially difficult situations in the future.
• Is my parent acting this way out of habit?
• Is my parent worried about losing their independence?
• Is my parent suffering from depression or anxiety?
• Is my parent confused, or do they have dementia?
• What are some things my parent may be fearing?
Some small changes in your parent’s behavior may require simple adjustments in their daily routine. Here are a few examples:
| Change you notice | Why it may matter | A small first step to discuss |
|---|---|---|
| Difficulty keeping up with housekeeping | The home may become harder to manage safely | Housekeeping help or help with errands |
| Missed meals or difficulty shopping | Nutrition and daily routines may be affected | Grocery delivery, meal support, or help planning meals |
| Increasing difficulty with personal care or moving safely | Daily tasks may require more support | A conversation with a doctor who can assess what help may be needed |
Always acknowledge what your parent can still do to show that you recognize their competence and independence. For example, if your parent needs help with cleaning but still enjoys cooking, don’t suggest hiring someone who will help with both.
Remember that your parent is in control of their own life and care options. Accepting this fact can lower your stress and possibly improve your relationship.
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Decide what issues are the most important to bring up and focus on those first. Concerns about your parent’s safety at home, for instance, should take top priority; report these concerns to your parent’s doctor as soon as possible. Here’s how to help the conversation go smoothly.
The best time to bring up any topic relating to your parent’s care is when you’re both calm and relaxed. “Communicate without emotion, and try to catch them on a good day,” McLoughlin suggests.
Try not to give orders or talk down to your parent about their behavior. “You have to realize they’re an adult and they’re allowed to make their own decisions — even if you think they’re the wrong ones,” says McLoughlin.
“Avoid infantilizing your parent,” said Dr. Robert Kane, former director of the Center on Aging and author of The Good Caregiver. “Dealing with a stubborn parent is not the same as dealing with a stubborn child. Older people should be autonomous.”
Instead of telling your parent what to do, ask open-ended questions, such as “How do you feel about keeping up with home maintenance?” This will help your parent open up instead of putting them on the defensive about their current lifestyle. Consider questions such as:
Be direct about how your parent’s refusing help affects you. Some people may be more willing to change their behavior if they see it’s harmful to a loved one. They may also be more willing to accept caregiving help if they understand how concerned you are about their well-being.
Rather than starting with a general suggestion that your parent accept more help, begin by suggesting one specific, manageable change, such as hiring a house cleaner every other week. This approach acknowledges that your parent can manage many routine tasks yet may need help with just one or two.
Consider talking to trusted friends and family members to get their support and perspectives on your parent’s behavior, especially if you perform most of the caregiving duties. This could be a sibling, a family friend, your parent’s neighbor, or a faith leader who knows them well. If you’re concerned about cognitive decline in your parent, getting another perspective can be especially important.
Ask your parent’s permission to attend a doctor’s appointment with them to share your concerns, though for privacy reasons your parent’s doctor may not be able to share their health information with you.
McLoughlin suggests creating a backup plan in case your parent continually refuses help. If, for instance, your elderly mother is having trouble with her balance, you can start looking into local senior living communities so you’re prepared if she should need care on short notice. Some communities offer short-term stays so families and their loved ones can better understand what residential care is like.
Make a list of important contacts, discuss emergency preferences when possible, and research care options before your parent has a health crisis.
Having a plan will allow you to be present with your loved one and avoid rushing the process.
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In many cases, it’s important to gather their friends or siblings. Ask them for advice, because your parent may be more likely to accept help if someone in a similar stage of life sees that they could benefit from it.
Seeing your parent refuse to move to a safer living situation or take medication as directed can be frustrating and anxiety-producing. Find someone other than your parent to talk with about those feelings. Take time to care for yourself by:
Senior care options, including in-home care, assisted living, and memory care, address different needs. Involve your senior loved one in comparing these options. If the conversation feels intimidating, this downloadable conversation guide can help you start an empathetic dialogue, ask important questions, and identify next steps.
As you talk with your loved one about help they may need, A Place for Mom’s Senior Living Advisors can provide you with local advice and care options. Having a list of local home care agencies or senior living communities provides a good starting point for those conversations. You can talk about the pros and cons of each option and give your parent the opportunity to tell you what’s most important to them.
If your parent is mentally and physically competent, then you can’t make them accept help. However, you can enlist your parent’s doctors, family members, and trusted friends to join together in finding care solutions that will keep them safe.
You can arrange for a meeting about your parent’s needs that includes siblings who disagree as well as your parent and their health care team, seeking common ground and always putting your parent’s best interest first. You can also hire a mediator to help work through conflicts.
The information contained on this page is for informational purposes only and is not intended to constitute medical, legal or financial advice or create a professional relationship between A Place for Mom and the reader. Always seek the advice of your health care provider, attorney or financial advisor with respect to any particular matter, and do not act or refrain from acting on the basis of anything you have read on this site. Links to third-party websites are only for the convenience of the reader; A Place for Mom does not endorse the contents of the third-party sites.