How to Handle Sibling Fights Over Elderly Parents

Adult siblings don’t always see caregiving needs the same way. A common disagreement is one child may have the impression that a parent is doing fine at home, while another feels they need help. Or the adult children realize that their loved one needs care, but the parent refuses to see it as an option. These disagreements can lead to a divided family.

Solution: Engage a professional

Helping seniors make the right decisions for their care needs can be difficult when siblings disagree. That’s why an outside opinion is often the best solution for these issues. Arrange for a social worker or geriatric care manager to visit your loved one’s home for a safety assessment. If your parent agrees, talk with their primary doctor about their health changes or physical challenges. Clarification from professionals can define next steps and minimize sibling arguments about what type of care, and how much care, is necessary.

Sarah Mitchell, MSW, is a social worker with over 20 years of experience helping families find senior care and housing. She has encountered many family dynamics over the years and offers her insight on how to navigate family conflicts over senior care.

“Family counseling services can offer support and coping strategies for families as they begin to navigate this change and season of life,” Mitchell says. “It can be overwhelming and emotional. A professional can help families find balance and direction while ensuring the [senior’s] own needs are met.”

Solution: Research senior care options

Once care needs are established, the next step is to decide who will provide care. If a family decides that a senior living community may be a good solution, A Place for Mom’s Senior Living Advisors have experience matching seniors’ needs, budget, and lifestyle preferences with communities across the U.S.

If your loved one will remain at home, Senior Living Advisors can also help you find local home care options. This is a good idea if you and your siblings are considering taking on caregiving duties alone, as many caregiving responsibilities can quickly become overwhelming without help. Home care professionals can help reduce stress for family caregivers.

Read more:Top 10 Senior Caregiving Duties You May Encounter

Solution: Explain the benefits of professional caregivers and support

Listen to your loved one’s goals and concerns. Emphasize your role as an advocate for your parent’s quality of life and show how senior living or in-home care can help them maintain the lifestyle they already enjoy. Sometimes older parents have outdated views of senior living. It might be helpful to explain some of the key differences between today’s assisted living communities and the nursing homes they remember their parents or grandparents living in.

“If you’re considering senior living for your loved one, schedule a tour with one or two nearby to explore what they have to offer. This will often lead to additional conversations and make it less frightening for the senior if they have a current understanding of the offerings,” says Mitchell.

After learning about the amenities, activities, and freedoms senior living today can offer, your parents may be more likely to make the transition.

Even when an aging parent agrees they need more support, family caregivers may not be able to decide who will take on the role of primary caregiver. Each sibling likely has reasons as to why they may or may not be able to act as a caregiver, such as lack of time or money. They may also have families of their own that they’re caring for.

Solution: Encourage every family member to support caregiving as they’re able

Mitchell explains how holding a few simple family meetings can get everyone on the same page with what they can contribute. “Getting buy in from both parents and other family members can be challenging. It’s important to ensure everyone feels heard. A family meeting is often a good first step, including as many concerned parties as possible.”

When you, your siblings, and your elderly parents discuss caregiving, be sure to address everyone’s:

• Expectations
• Goals
• Concerns
• Wishes
• Other responsibilities

Talk with your siblings and parents about how each person may be able to help. For example:

• Multiple siblings can rotate days they provide care
• A sibling who can’t provide direct caregiving assistance may be able to contribute money to pay for in-home or residential care
• One sibling may serve as the bookkeeper, tracking expenses and payments
• A distant sibling may be able to call and check on your parent daily

Let our care assessment guide you

Sometimes an adult child will manipulate their elderly parent to ensure their own needs and wishes are addressed. While rare, financial fraud and inheritance incentives are sometimes factors when family caregivers can’t seem to agree on who will care for their elderly parents.

Solution: Identify any fraud or elder abuse, document everything, and seek help if needed

If you find that a sibling is manipulating an elderly parent to the point of fraud or elder abuse, contact an organization that specializes in elder abuse. Be sure to document the abuse as much as possible, like with financial records and changes to estates. If you can communicate with your senior parent, consider establishing the power of attorney (POA) for them, which you can use to intervene in cases of abuse.

Sometimes, siblings may not understand the situation, or they may downplay how much help their parent needs. Sometimes adult children choose not to care for an elderly parent because of past conflicts. Alternatively, a sibling might simply lack the time or money to help.

In these cases, the adult child who lives closest to their aging parent or has the closest emotional relationship often assumes the primary caregiver role. The role of primary caregiver might be unavoidable for one person due to family dynamics or resources. But when other family members don’t readily offer help within their means, the primary caregiver may resent their siblings.^[01]

Solution: Communicate your needs to your siblings

If you believe your siblings aren’t aware of your efforts, try to schedule visits or video calls, or request a doctor’s testimony to explain the severity of the situation. From a distance, it may not be clear to other family members just how difficult caregiving is for you.

If your siblings refuse to help due to past trauma, that’s their right. Focus the conversation instead on how they can support you. Even if they don’t want to interact with your parents, family members can help you from afar with things like finances, appointment scheduling, meal delivery, or emotional support. They could even contribute money to hire a part-time home care aide, which would provide you with needed respite.

When immediate family members come together to care for aging parents, they may revert to dysfunctional and unhealthy roles from the past. It’s important for everyone to simply remember that this is about what’s best for the parent, not long-standing sibling rivalries.

Solution: Consider a mediator

Sometimes a neutral third party is the only way to bring order to a family disagreement. Your local chapter of the Area Agency on Aging might offer family mediator services in your area. A counselor, lawyer, or geriatric care manager can also mediate. Costs for mediation services will vary depending on where you seek services.

At a family meeting, have a frank and open discussion about your parents’ care needs. Establish each sibling’s role and obligations, and make future care plans. Discuss finances, caregiving, and any arrangements your parents already have in place.

Talk with a Senior Living Advisor

Finances play an enormous role in how siblings choose to care for their aging parents. The cost of senior living often seems overwhelming and can deter families from exploring all their options. If your aging loved one grows to require in-home care, senior living, or hospice, who will pay for it? Should you share expenses evenly, or should those with higher incomes pay more?

Solution: Establish family financial roles in advance

Ideally, you can work with your siblings to understand the costs of care, make financial decisions, and establish budgets before your parent needs long-term care. Ask your parent how much money they’ve saved and whether they’ve taken out a long-term care insurance policy that can help offset their long-term senior care costs. Once you learn how much care will cost, you and your siblings can discuss how much each of you can afford to contribute.

Solution: Seek long-term care benefits for low-income seniors

If your family simply doesn’t have money available to cover long-term care, determine whether your parent qualifies for long-term care benefits, such as Medicaid or veterans benefits. If your loved one qualifies for long-term senior care benefits through these programs, they can get help paying for long-term care services at a senior care community. They may also qualify for a home health care caregiver or a stipend for a family caregiver through these programs.

Read more:Paying for Long-Term Senior Care

Sometimes one child takes over the caregiving role and leaves other family members in the dark, perhaps even limiting access to the elderly loved one. This can leave other siblings worried about the state of their parent and wondering whether their care needs are being met.

Solution: Invite communication with siblings, parents, and, if necessary, authorities

Reach out to your sibling directly and express your feelings and willingness to be more involved in your parent’s care. If your relationship with the caregiving sibling is strained, maintain ongoing communication with your parent through phone calls, emails, or letters.

If your sibling is acting as a gatekeeper and preventing you from reaching your parent, or if you have reason to believe there may be abuse or exploitation involved, call local Adult Protective Services to intervene. Even if your sibling is angry at this decision, remember that you’re putting the health and safety of your parent first.

Seniors who are desperate to maintain their independence may pit their children against each other to avoid getting more care. It’s important to remember that the loss of independence for the senior can lead to grief and desperation. Mitchell reminds us how vulnerable families can become during this time of grieving.

“Choosing senior care has a sense of grief included. Elder parents are grieving the loss of their independence, while children are grieving the loss of their parent figure.”

To make matters worse, some seniors even experience significant personality changes due to dementia or physical decline. You may find that the parent you’ve been close with your entire life is becoming verbally or even physically abusive to you. Worse, if you’re the primary caregiver, your siblings may not know or believe it’s happening.

Solution: Include your parent in decisions about their care

As elderly parents lose their independence and leadership role within the family, it’s critical to involve them as much as possible in decisions that affect them. Mitchell explains why this is important.

“When parents are able to weigh in on their long-term needs, it can build confidence and trust in the senior care process. It also helps siblings work together [toward] one goal — helping their parents — and being a more of a united front.”

It’s also helpful to remember that this is your parent’s life, not yours or your siblings’. It’s important to gain their insight not only because you want them to trust you, but because it will help all of you create a plan that is aligned to your parent’s best interests. Ideally, your parent will see you and your siblings as partners in this process, not as people who are trying to take over.

Solution: Realize when caregiving is no longer feasible and senior care is needed

Caregiver burnout is common, especially when the caregiver’s relationship with their loved one is strained. This can cause both the caregiver’s and the senior’s health to suffer. If you’re a full-time caregiver, consider adult daycare, part-time in-home care, or occasional respite stays in assisted living to help offset family stressors. Mitchell discusses how helpful these short-term stays can be.

“In many cases, furnished apartments are offered for 10 to 30 days for a senior to ‘try it out’ and for the family to get a break from caregiving and worry. Many seniors find this ‘trial’ period an opportunity to understand what senior living is while experiencing it first-hand.”

The senior may decide they prefer the senior care community over remaining at home with a family caregiver.

In cases where the parent has a dementia diagnosis, it’s important to recognize when their care needs have exceeded your caregiving abilities and a memory care community is needed.

If your aging parent threatens or attempts to manipulate you when the topic of senior care is broached, recognize that this is another sign that a professional mediator or counselor is needed. If they’re becoming a danger to themselves or others, engage your parent’s doctor, your siblings, and if necessary, your local police department’s elder affairs officer. Your loved one’s safety, and your own, should always be the priority.

Read more:The Worrying Facts About Caregiver Health and Stress

End-of-life, or hospice, care is often a controversial subject within families. One person may want to arrange hospice care for a terminally ill parent, while another may advocate that every day lived is a victory, and that hospice should be avoided. In both cases, family members want what is best for their aging parents, but they disagree about what that means.

According to Leslie Fuller, owner of Inspired Senior care, “If there’s strife around hospice, it’s often because that word means different things to different people. Many people think it means ‘we’re admitting they’re dying,’” she says. But hospice is more than that.

Fuller explains: “Hospice provides medical, social, spiritual, and hands-on support for a person who no longer chooses to pursue a medical cure for a terminal condition. It’s a huge benefit to the family and their loved one, as it avoids the stress of ambulance trips to the emergency department and hospitalizations. It provides for quality of life and pain management.”

Solution: Let your parent make their end-of-life decisions

End-of-life care conflicts can be avoided with a living will. When seniors write a living will long before a medical care crisis — also known as a health care directive — this essential legal document for seniors specifies their end-of-life wishes and is legally binding.

“As humans, buy-in and support is easier if you’ve been a part of the decision. This includes the senior the family is ‘deciding’ for, so include them whenever possible,” Mitchell says.

Solution: Have your parent set up a power of attorney

Ask the parent to designate a power of attorney (POA) or durable power of attorney to carry out their end-of-life care requests. If you’re worried that power of attorney could be contested by your family, have all documents reviewed by a lawyer and notarized at your local post office or bank.

POA is one of the most frequent causes of conflict between siblings with aging parents. This is partially due to misunderstandings about how the agreement works.

Read more:6 Little-Known Facts About Hospice Care at Assisted Living Facilities

Inheritance issues are common among siblings. They often stem from a lack of communication with the aging parent.

Solution: Learn about inheritance and estates in advance

While it may not feel appropriate to worry your loved one about heirlooms, it can be helpful to discuss these things with your parent while they’re still healthy. If there’s something that matters to you, let your parent know before they pass. It may help avoid painful sibling conflicts later. Finally, many elderly people prefer to pass on cherished family objects prior to their death, as it provides an opportunity for closeness as well as closure.

Solution: Bring in a family mediator

A family mediator, someone who is unbiased, such as a lawyer, can help. A family mediator’s job is to analyze these situations fairly and objectively to help siblings find areas of common ground.

The following basic tips can help families to avoid the common problems we’ve discussed above. In the long run, these approaches are invaluable to healthy family discourse and successfully meeting your parents’ needs.

1. Understand everyone’s wants, needs, and concerns. Give your siblings and parents the opportunity to communicate what they feel comfortable with in current or future care situations.
2. Listen to everyone and be empathetic. Your siblings may feel differently about your parent’s declining health, how to approach care, and what their role should be. It’s also important to be empathetic to your siblings’ financial and emotional positions.
3. Know when to walk away and seek help. Avoid letting discussions turn into disputes by knowing when to pause a conversation and come back when emotions aren’t running as high. If you’re not able to have a calm conversation, consider bringing in a mediator to help resolve disagreements.
4. Keep communication going. Whether it’s getting together in person or over video chat, keep open communication so everyone can discuss any concerns as they arise. Regular communication can even help siblings bond while taking care of their parents.
5. Set boundaries for yourself and encourage your siblings and parent to set theirs. What is and isn’t OK for each person as you move forward during this transition?

Watching a parent’s health decline can be painful and can quickly lead to disagreements between siblings on the parent’s care needs. However, disagreements don’t have to tear your family apart. Remember the solutions and tips above to improve communication, avoid arguments, and strengthen your relationships within the family.

When that simply isn’t possible, consider reaching out to a professional to mitigate family conflict. Counselors, social workers, doctors, lawyers, or other professionals can help keep the family focused on identifying the senior’s specific and objective needs.

“Families are often better together and hearing input and suggestions may lead to a more constructive conversation and bring to light things others hadn’t thought of,” explains Mitchell.

If your family decides to move forward with paying for long-term senior care, either part-time or full-time, contact a Senior Living Advisor at A Place for Mom. Our advisors are free to families and well-versed in all types of long-term care services. They can provide valuable input that may defuse family arguments, redirecting conversations toward providing your loved one with the best care services your family can afford.